Christopher Columbus: The douche that discovered diabetes.

By now, it is common knowledge that Christopher Columbus is not to be credited with the discovery of America. The Norse (Vikings), Chinese, and even the Welsh are said to have walked the shores of the new world — long before Columbus’s “accidental discovery”.

Although, there is some merit to the world’s longest running elementary school lie, his intentions are not what you may think. Christopher Columbus did convince the Spanish Crown to fund his voyage, but the passionate rhetoric he recited was nothing more than a bold-faced lie. He was not motivated to find a westerly route to the East Indies with hopes of opening up the spice market between Europe and Asia. He was looking to find a way to counter fit and mass produce a spice alternative that would make him very wealthy and relevant amongst the basic European wenches.

So with the backing of the Spanish Crown and a well-experienced crew in his command, he set sail West with his 3 ships: The Grande, Venti, and Trenta. The trip went as expected, and as as you might guess, Christopher Columbus did not make it to Asia  — it was never his plan. He landed in the tropical, sunny, hot region of the Caribbean, which in present day, is known as the Bahamas. But why would a man seeking emperor-like riches choose the temperate climate of the Bahamas 500 years before the introduction of its first Sandals Resort? He was there to plant drugs. And I’m not talking about planting an opium plantation to get a head start on supporting the future opium dens of 19^th century China. I’m talking about a drug much more widely used and dangerous then anything smoked or injected. I’m talking about a white powdery substance known as sugar.

Yep, he was there to grow sugar cane. With a climate conducive to growing and a close proximity to the North Atlantic Drift Current, Columbus had a perfect distribution model. Ridden with greed, he killed any who resisted and enslaved all able-bodied adults to cultivate his prized sugar crop — the main ingredient to his spice alternative. An alternative that he named Falso Zucca… or roughly translated from Italian to mean: Fake Pumpkin — A.K.A. Pumpkin Spice!!!! Unbeknownst to Columbus, the ruthless explorer and entrepreneur had paved the way for what would centuries later take America by storm, and ruin the lives of many.

Christopher Columbus didn’t discover America, but he did discover diabetes, in the form of Pumpkin Spice — the sugary, disgusting, artificial flavor of fall. So, next time you want to teach our youth a catchy fact about history. Teach them this:

In 1492 Columbus discovered diabetes causing pumpkin goo. 

Happy Thanksgiving Canada, you guys have your heads on straight.